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他说,“只有无聊的人才会把早餐吃出花样来。” (Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast).
他说,”只有浅薄的人才了解自己。” (Only the shallow know themselves.)
他还说,“糟糕的画家总是欣赏彼此的作品。” (Bad artists always admire each other's work.)
但是他同样不喜欢优秀的人。“一个优秀的人没有敌人,但他的朋友也没有一个喜欢他。” (An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.)
他嘲讽悲观主义者。“借钱就要向悲观主义者借,因为他们不会期待你还钱。” (Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.)
他嘲讽好为人师的人。“对于建议,你所能做的,就是把它转送给别人,建议从来就不是给自己准备的。” (The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.)
他嘲讽时尚,这句话即使放在今天,也是又尖锐又时髦:“时尚总是丑得难以容忍,所以每隔六个月我们都只好改一次。” (Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.)
如今段子手们还在玩的梗,他100多年前就用过了。“我年轻时以为金钱是世界上最重要的东西,等到老了才知道,原来真的是这样。” (When I was young, I used to think that money was the most important thing in life, now that I am old, I know it is.)
他嘲讽美国人。“美国是唯一一个直接从野蛮进入颓废、中间没有经过文明阶段的社会。” (America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.)
他也嘲讽他的同胞。“我们爱尔兰人太诗意以至不能做诗人,我们的国家里充满才华横溢的失败者,可我们是自希腊人以来最会说空话的民族。” (We Irish are too poetical to be poets; we are a nation of brilliant failures, but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks.) 那时爱尔兰还属于英国。